What a fine mess we have made here haven't we? I have no idea who you are and there are times where I am unrecognizable to myself as well. The things we have said to each other that have either intentionally or unintentionally hurt each other are shocking to me. The number of times I have told you I hate you, or hit you because I have so much rage caused by the demise of this marriage is like an outer body experience. You were once my peace. You brought me such calm and patience and understanding. You made my life make sense, all my past struggles worth it. You were my prize. You were the reason I went through every bad relationship.
And now, I have no idea who I am with you and no idea who you are with me. I feel your recognition of your same sex attraction has made you into a different person, one who does not see a future with me, and that feels so foreign to me. It makes me say things to you I don't mean, act towards you how I would never have thought I would act and think about you in ways that hurt me for even thinking them. A life without you as my partner is never one I wanted to imagine.
But, here we are. Broken. Separately and together, we are broken. We have lost track of each other and what we once knew to be so real...a love that ran deep. You turn left, I turn right. I go straight, you do a u-turn. You see a thorough fair, I see a closed road. Will our navigation systems ever be on the same page again? Only time will tell.
All I do know is that first of all, I have no regrets. How could I regret my two REAL prizes, who are 5 and 18 months? How could I regret all the laughs, the memories, the trips, the amazing family times and all the times we spent thinking about how lucky we were to have found each other. Whether or not you had same sex feelings in the back of your head, I do know that you meant what you said all the times you said you loved me. There was just a little * there that I didn't know about and you didn't know what it meant.
So here is my wish for you...I wish to you that you never feel the pain I am feeling right now. I hope you never have someone leave you feeling as broken as I feel right now. I hope you never put all your faith, love, plans and dreams in the hands of someone else and then have them tell you they can't follow through with them. It's a hurt no one should ever feel and I find myself sitting here thinking, "Why me? What did I do to deserve this? I had several heart breaks before, several times where I thought I would never find love again. I've been through this all before. Why am I going through it again?" And again, only time will tell as to why. There is no answer right now. Will it be because you and I find a way to share a deep love for each other and to make this marriage work? Or will I take what I have learned from this marriage and share it with someone else? Someone lucky enough to be the recipient of my love.
The right words to end this letter are not coming to me. Thank you seems too nice. Fuck off seems to mean. Warm regards feels to formal. So for now, I will say...
With love,
me
I'm so sorry for you that this has become so messy. This isn't what we imagine our married life to be. I hope you have support around you.
ReplyDeleteThis must be so difficult for your little children, as well.
I'm certain you'll find a group of supportive people online who have gone through what you're going through. Through our pain, it's always good to know we're not alone.
Barb