So, why oh why am I in a MOM? I have no idea. Funny how just a few days can change things.
The last post was written right after we decided to stay together. That our love was true and rare and not something you throw away. Well, today, I feel a little different. Maybe our love is true. And sure, maybe it is rare. But what is love if there is not happiness? I'm not sure "love is all you need".
When talking about having an open marriage, I totally get it. I get the concept. It makes sense to me. I do believe you can love more than one person at a time. I do believe that you can love someone for one thing they give you and love another person for something else they give you. Where I start to question MY MOM is when I think about whether gay husband loves me the same way I love him. I am sure the answer is no, simply because, for me, he is it. There is no one else I need in my life. So, my love for him is completely different. For him, he needs someone else in his life to make him feel complete, to give him the kind of love that I can't give him (both literally and figuratively). This should be ok right? This should not impact negatively upon me should it? He's not saying I love you less because I need someone else in my life, right? But that's sure how it feels. Especially when I tell him that days where we have set aside for him to spend with his boyfriend don't work for me and it causes a fight. I don't feel like I am getting the respect I deserve, desire and demand from a marriage. I have agreed to be in an open marriage, but I guess my definition of an open marriage is different than his. Maybe I don't want a true open marriage. Maybe I want him to be able to satisfy his need and desire to be with a man when it is convenient for me and our life. Problem is, with his job that has him traveling 50% of the month, two small kids, a house with endless projects, and family and friends here who we want to spend time with, I am having trouble finding the convenient moment for him to add someone else into his life. To the extent he wants them. Which is more than a couple days a month. So, we're stuck. We love each other. We know we WANT to stay together, we just don't know how to come to terms with what is going to work for both of us. Is anything going to work for both of us? Isn't one of us always going to feel like they are giving in more (me)? Isn't one of us always going to feel like they aren't getting everything they want (him)? Is that happiness? Is that love?
Too many questions causing messiness. I don't like messiness.
Those of us who are married to someone who is gay or bisexual will never understand life from their perspective. Never. Only another gay or bisexual person can. We can only try.
ReplyDeleteI think you're wise to write your thoughts in a blog that way you've been doing. I hope it's somewhat therapeutic for you. There is no easy answer and as you are well aware, everyone's situation is different.
My husband has a gay friend who he sees often. I know it is platonic but it makes me nervous because I tell him it's like me seeing another man a couple of times a week. They also talk on the phone frequently. He tells me the friendship fills a need and then he's ready to come home. I'm not sure if I'm ready for him to have a lover. Well, I know I'm not ready.
Can your husband imagine life without you and the kids and the life the two of you have built together? I'm sure in a perfect world, he would have both a gay lover and the life he's come to know and cherish.
I appreciate your posts a lot.
Barb