The Worst Part About Being Married to a Gay Man

The insecurities. And there are many.

When your husband first tells you he's gay, like I said in my previous post, it brings on a whole slew of emotions. From fear, to anger, to hurt, to sadness, to disbelief, to depression, and back again. In the reverse order. Over and over and over again. For awhile. A long while. For some, those feelings never go away. For others, it gets better. And what determines the difference? Well, as non-feminist as it sounds, the husband does.

Alfred Kinsey developed a scale, the Kinsey Scale, in "an attempt to describe a person's sexual experience or response at any given time". The scale runs from 0-6....0 being exclusively heterosexual, 6 being exclusively homosexual. And if you fall into the 3 category, then congratulations, you're bisexual. I believe that where the men fall on this scale plays a part in whether or not a MOM can work. A part. Not the whole thing, just a part. There is so much more to a MOM than sex, as there is any relationship, hence I do not think this is the ONLY determining factor.

In my case, I'd say my husband is a 5 - "predominantly homosexual, only incidentally heterosexual". Meaning, if it weren't for me, he would most likely be in a committed relationship with a man and would not seek out a relationship with a woman again. But there in lies the problem...he was not seeking me out when we first met. He knew he had feelings for men most of his life. And then I came along and totally rocked his world (I don't mean that in a toot my own horn kinda way). I shook his image of who he thought he was....a gay man. How could a gay man be sexually, emotionally, mentally attracted to a woman? Well, according to Kinsey, it's not that uncommon.

It's that level of attraction that I believe plays a role in whether a MOM works or not. Again, speaking only from my perspective and experience, I know my husband is still attracted to me (Full disclosure time....we are currently separated but prior to that, there were no problems in the bedroom if you catch my drift). I know he still loves me, if he didn't, I would not be in a MOM, I would be divorced. I know he still wants a future with me as my husband and partner in life, again, if not, we would be divorced. That's what makes this all so complicated. Now, what he has to do, is figure out where on that non-existent scale his feelings lie for me. Where's Kinsey when you need him???? Are his feelings for me strong enough to get us through the hard times that surely lie ahead of us? Are his feelings for men more than his feelings for me and if so, are they strong enough to risk losing me as his wife? Thanks to our kids, he'll never actually be able to get rid of me, but to what level will his feelings for men allow a spot for me in his life? And to what level will his feelings for me allow a spot for a man in his life? Only he can decide that. Do you feel the insecurities rushing in like I do?

It's very scary to think about the one person you thought loved you more than anyone in the world not loving you anymore. Not like you love them. And there's nothing you can do about it. You didn't do anything wrong. Even if you had troubles in your marriage pre-disclosure, there is nothing you really did wrong. You can promise to be a better listener, you can promise to give him the space he needs, you can promise to try to be understanding even though there is no way in this world you will EVER understand what he is going through (nor will he ever understand what you're going through). You can promise, promise, promise until you're blue in the face. But there is nothing you can do to make him love you more if he just doesn't naturally love you as a woman. 

For some, and here comes the feminist side in me, they decide they don't want to wait around to find out how their gay husbands feel about them. And that's not wrong. I think that's what most sane people would do. People who choose to stay in a MOM might need to get their heads examined because there is nothing about this way of life that is easy:). I have had many moments in the last four years where I have thought, "I'm done. This is not worth it. He's not worth it. I can do better. I deserve better". I've had many of those moments as of late, since the separation. But unfortunately, or fortunately, for me, what it comes down to, is that I really don't mean that. And there in lies the problem for me. This would be a lot easier for me if I didn't really like my gay husband. If I thought he was a jerk (which at times he can be) or treated me badly. But he's not a jerk, most of the time, and he treats me anything BUT badly. Despite the issues we've had in our marriage either because of the MOM issue or just regular marital issues, he has never treated me badly. He's been selfish, he's been stubborn, he's been unemotional, but he's never treated me badly. I truly believe that everything he has done in our marriage thus far, whether it has hurt me or not, it was never his intention to hurt me. I think he always thinks he is doing what is best for me, and sometimes he's right and sometimes he's not. 

But in the end, it does take TWO to tango right? So, while I believe so much of whether a MOM works or not depends on the guys, it also depends on how hard you're BOTH willing to work. How secure are you in your love for each other? How much do you both want to work to show each other on a regular basis how important you are to each other? In any marriage, we definitely settle into our comfort zones and once there, it's hard to get out. Being in a MOM takes work, you have to get our of your comfort zone and do something for the other person that makes them happy, even though it might make you a little uncomfortable. And that, I learned tonight from my therapist, is the definition of love.