Well, the good news is gay husband and I have decided to stay together. No divorcing, no more separation. For right now. The flip side, I wont say bad news, is that in order to stay together, we need to acknowledge, accept, and incorporate his gayness into our marriage and every day lives. Which means, I am the new lucky owner of an open marriage.
SCARY!!!!!!!
Pre-separation, I would have thought the scariest thing about having an open marriage would be not knowing whether or not my husband loves me, and that's why he wanted to open the marriage. I used to be so scared that he was staying with me out of some sort of fear, mask or guilt. I now know that is not true. He had his chance to walk away from this. We both did. And we both decided to stay. See, the way he explained it is like this...he is a gay man. For all practical purposes, he was never supposed to fall in love with me. But he did. We fell in love with each other. And you don't walk away from a love that defies odds. He boldly stated in our last therapy session that he loves me, he wants to stay married to be, but there are things about our marriage that need to change.
Pre-separation, I think that we thought we were living in an open marriage. The problem was that he was not open. The secret was not out...not to everyone at least, not to his family and closest friends. Only to my family and closest friends. So, how could we really be who we are and be proud of who we are if we weren't telling people who we are? It was like we were ashamed and scared to be totally open about his gay side and what we are doing to try to stay married. Open marriages are sure not common around these parts...or really any where, right? Society says taboo!!!! But, now that mostly everyone knows who he is and how our marriage is going to proceed, the scariest part is actually taking the first step. For me, that's letting go....letting go of my old marriage and welcoming with open arms the new one. I would say my arms are half open right now, and I need to stop resisting them from opening the rest of the way, or I will remain hurt, scared, confused, anxious and worried.
For me, that hardest part now is going to like I said above, just letting go. How do I "let" him leave our house and our kids for 1, 2, 5, 10 days, or however long he decides to spend with his new friend in another city? How do I be okay with the fact that for however many days a month he gets to see this person, he gets to live a different life? See, with his new friend, he has no bills, no debt, no kids, no mortgage, no past, maybe even no future, no home improvement projects to finish, no family obligations, no school plays. It's like a fantasy life. And who wouldn't want a fantasy life? Where's my fantasy life? Do I need to open my side of the marriage too so that I feel like we are equals? Why do I always feel like everything needs to be tit for tat?? What's this all called? Jealousy. I'm jealous. I said it. I admit it. I am totally jealous. I am jealous that he gets to do fun things (i.e. be away from our kids and the monotony of THIS life) for many days out of the month because of his job and also now to spend time with his boyfriend. And his boyfriend gets to experience the husband I fell in love with. The husband I met 12 years ago, pre-kids, pre-house, pre-debt, etc. The husband that is foot loose and fancy free. I get reality. The boyfriend gets fantasy.
So maybe my perspective needs to change. Maybe my husband needs to work a little harder at keeping the "fantasy" going for me and him, not just his boyfriend and him. Maybe it's both. Maybe I need to realize that his boyfriend would maybe one day like all the things I have with my husband and he's frustrated because he knows he is not going to get them. Not with my husband God willing. Maybe I need to value the time we spend together more and not think about the time we don't spend together. Maybe we both need to be better at reminding each other how much we mean to each other instead of just getting bogged down with the every day life stuff that bogs you down after 8 years of marriage, two kids, and life in general. This open marriage thing could be the best thing that has ever happened to us. I have heard others say that. Or it could be what ultimately tears us apart. Time will tell. But for now, I will try to remind myself on a continual basis that the bottom line is, there is love there. There is love for each other, respect for each other, and an apparently strong enough desire to stay together despite the odds!
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